Secrets
by Faggot McCormick
Summary: No one knows how much Ritsu suffers- it's much more than just apologies and anxiety. Slight trigger warning.


__(( A/N: I don't own anything, this is purely fan made. Also; slight trigger warning. Beware. Enjoy! Reviews are always welcome! ))__

_No one knew the true weight Ritsu carried on his shoulders- to them he was just an overly apologetic cross-dresser. No; his issues went much deeper than just his anxiety. The monkey of the Zodiac was kind at heart and rather on the innocent side, but he was not ignorant to pain. Not in the least, actually. No one knew exactly where his insecurities originated and no one bothered to ask, either. Did it matter? Of course not._

_Akito had never liked Ritsu, not a single bit. Everything about the timid monkey seemed to infuriate their God- how he talked with a stutter, and how he was just so damned ___innocent___ about things. Not to mention that he was exceptionally lovely, a charm many of the Sohmas carried. Whatever it was, something about him enraged Akito, and so she brought her fist down. The abuse came and went- when she needed someone to cry, and beg for mercy- to grovel at her feet, then she'd order her "pet monkey" be brought to Sohma house. Still carrying the Sohma curse, he had no choice but to obey._

_–_

_Each night the tears came and Ritsu wished he were stronger- strong enough to finally press down on the blade. To finally swallow the bottle of pills in his medicine cabinet. Or to walk to the top of the apartment building and hurl himself to the bottom- no, he didn't want to do that. He wouldn't want to leave too much of a mess to clean up. It would certainly ruin someone's day and that's the last thing the monkey wanted. He decided that if he was going to do it, pills would be the best option. Placing one on his tongue, Ritsu chased it down with a small cup of water- it was meant to relax his nerves, but it was never enough._

_Never enough._

_"I'm so worthless," he repeated into the mirror, studying himself. His hair was tied back and braided, a ribbon holding it together. His lovely orange kimono with spring green, gold and bits of darker orange fit him like a glove- thanks to Ayame nii-san's alterations so it would form to his male body. He was so good at that! Ritsu silently wished he could be good at something. Then maybe it would be okay for him to live, but alas, he was average at best at anything he did and even breathing was a crime. How dare he waste precious oxygen, and take up space. How dare he consume food that he be given to someone who deserved it more._

_No one knew._

_No one knew that Ritsu skipped meals and swallowed pills- no one knew that he kept a razor in the drawer of his bedside table, just in case he finally got up the courage to use it. Did anyone care? Probably not. So was the curse of being a Sohma._

_The older Sohma family members teased him, but to them it was all in good humor; Shigure especially. The dog of the zodiac toyed with him more than anyone else, making jokes about how he ___was___ a bother and whatnot- even if he didn't mean it, the words stuck to the monkey like glue. They raced around in his mind, just like Akito's words did._

__'You're worthless- worthless, you hear me? No one will ever love you! You're sorry? You should be sorry! You'll never be good enough- how dare you carry the last name Sohma! You put this family to shame. How dare you! Even your own parents don't want you. You're disgusting! Look at you in your tacky woman's clothes- you're such an idiot! Why are you such a freak?'__

_Tears pooled in his eyes- the memories flooded over him and his heart sank. His stomach twisted into knots and he quickly wrenched away from the mirror and dashed over to the toilet, purging several times- damn, there went his pills. Was it safe to take more? Probably not. Would he anyways? Of course._

_–_

_Swallowing the pills was like swallowing a secret. A dirty, yucky secret that tasted foul on his tongue. A taste that lingered for hours after and made him sick. But the feeling of forgetting was worth it. Forgetting Akito, forgetting the curse- everything._

_A smile painted on his light pink lips, Ritsu leaves his house, goes to meet his parents, takes lessons on how to take over their onsen, but he knows they don't want him to have it. They're ashamed of him, and it shows on their faces. His mother gives him a critical look when she thinks he won't notice, taking in his lovely kimono and long copper tresses. His father shakes his head and sighs- he wishes he had a better son. One who could dress like a man and better yet, act like one._

_Thinking about it causes him to drop the tray he'd been carrying, and tears pool up once more. His mother scolds him, but he apologizes frantically. She never apologized to Ritsu, only to everyone else. Same with his father._

_Rushing to clean it up, he slices his hand on a large piece of broken teacup. The blood drips onto the floor and his mother shoos him away- tells him to go home._

_Wasn't this his home? It had been for all his life, but now his mother was clearing things up for him. So where was home? His dump of an apartment? No. That wasn't home either. Sohma house? __Certainly not._

_" . . . "_

__I'm sorry mother- I didn't mean to disappoint you.__

_–_

_Maybe sleep would make this better; or better yet, maybe he could just disappear. Sitting on his bed, he holds the bottle of Xanax in one hand, contemplating- until the phone rang._

_Ritsu's phone never rang. But now. . ._

_The sound cut through the silence and he set down the small orange bottle and got up, walking to the kitchen and picked up the phone, answering with a soft squeaked out, "Hello?"_

_"Riichan! Nice of you to finally answer? How are you?" Without giving him time to answer, Ayame's loud voice continues on. "I'm doing just ___lovely___ today and I was hoping you could stop by my shop- of course you will, right Riichan? Perfect, I'll see you soon!" And without so much as a reply back, the flamboyant designer hung up, leaving Ritsu to stand dumbfounded._

_He had a rather large crush on the white-haired snake of the zodiac, so this truly was an honor. Forgetting about his previous cloud of depression he rushed out the door and bustled down to Ayame's shop. He knocked, waited, entered, and then. . . he truly felt like he was home._


End file.
